10.02.2012

FAGGOT


You clicked on the word faggot in Jack's blog post. Well done. Here's some for you:

 
MMmmmm
 
 
And here's Cilla Black on her wedding day:


GO BACK TO THE BLOG POST YOU WERE READING

GO BACK TO THE BLOG POST YOU WERE READING

GO BACK TO THE BLOG POST YOU WERE READING

GO BACK TO THE BLOG POST YOU WERE READING

1.12.2012

GLUTINOUS BITCHES! (IT'S OK NOW)


IT'S OK NOW! Ignore this rambling blog post below. The Beef Tom Priaw & Rice Noodles dish IS STILL GLUTEN FREE, they just accidentally printed the wrong labels at EAT. Phew!

Every Thursday for about three months I've been eating the Tom Priaw Beef and Rice Noodles hot pot from
EAT (a highstreet food chain of which there are a lot in Britain and probably elsewhere).


But today I noticed they've suddenly added GLUTEN to the allergy information on the shelf label and also printed it on the back of the pot. Does this mean EAT have been selling me a glutinous product without telling me that it contained gluten for several months? Whilst it doesn't kill me to eat gluten it can trigger other serious internal problems that might not materialise into noticeable symptoms for some time.


In which case should I take legal action against EAT?


The only alternative suggestion is that they've suddenly started whisking sachets of Gluten into their Beef and Rice Noodles tubs or using the same machinery that handles other glutenous dishes? If so then this is not only incredibly lazy, but really inconsiderate to their customers - as this is the only hot pot that was Gluten free that EAT sell. The only other things they sell are far-fetched soups and giant doorsteps of bread containing cheese and onions.


Considering this is a very overpriced rip-off dish (£5.25 for some hot water and shreds of beef) the only reason I bought it was because it assured me it was Gluten-free, and the hot watery beef vibe is quite tasty. But for such an expensive product they should really take the effort to make it clean from gluten. YOU DO NOT NEED BREAD TRACES IN A HOT WATER, EGG NOODLE AND BEEF SOUP!


Of course my £5.25 across a whole year only amounts to about £260 so it's not like EAT care. Still, don't underestimate the Gluten-free brigade - we are a sizeable group with some serious clout (so much so that we even have a Gluten-free fish and chip shop restaurant in Leicester Square)


As a wheat intolerant person lunchbreak is the trickiest part of the day, because most Britons are happy to stuff their face with bread for lunch, or eat something pre-packaged with glutinous sauces and flavour enhancers.


Back to Sainsbury's it is then! For those who don't know, Sainsbury's rule the roost when it comes to Gluten-free options.


Bye.

10.06.2010

Who's Who in "1 Direction"?


From l-r: Niall, Zain, Liam, Harry and Louis.

There you go.

Liam Payne in the middle is the main singer, the most likely to enter 'showmances' with celebrity girls. He looks better when he smiles. An arranged marriage to Diana Vickers is on the cards for 2011.

Harry Styles is quite a good singer and did a wonderful job singing about being naked on the floor as part of the group's rendition of 'Torn', which Simon Cowell enjoyed from behind dark glasses. When Harry Styles first auditioned Louis gave him a No in an attempt to save the boy from sleeping in a villa with Simon Cowell across the summer. Louis Walsh said to Harry: "I think you're so young, you don't have the right experience or confidence yet. For all the right reasons I am going to say no", which translates as "RUN HARRY - BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!" Oh well. Let's hope they sell Savlon on the continent.

Niall Horan has blond hair and an unusual name which makes him the 3rd most important member of 1 Direction.

Zain was the centre of a boot-camp drama in which he refused to dance, and then Simon Cowell and the judges 'lost' him, but luckily there was a TV crew with him in the empty room that he chose to go and cry in.

The final member is called Louis Tomlinson and doesn't have an audition video. Nobody has ever heard him speak, sing or do anything. God knows where they got him. In fact, a few people know where they got him.


They're cute, but they're no Jedward.

8.08.2010

Lights, Cameras, Fractions ///

There needs to be a show that MAKES MATHS COOL, called Lights, Cameras, Fractions.
This idea is very much in pre-pre-production, but it should involve a cookery section presented by some women in drag, dressed as Nigella Lawson and Delia Smith, using lots of maths related food like pies, roots and the green triangles of Quality Street's fame.

6.17.2010

If you like a lot of chocolate on your musket ///
Did you know that the Guardian's war journalist Clancy Chassay ...


...sang the song "If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club" for the popular 1990s multipack biscuit brand? That's right. Before the pin-up journo was commando rolling around foreign lands with his pen and pad writing about secret Russian killings and Israeli war crimes in Gaza, he was hippety hopping around a sunny English park singing about chocolate coated biscuits, approximately around the time of the Kosovo conflict. You can see him in the YouTube video below. At 0:10 Clancy Chassay can be seen sporting a cute green cap and baggy orange polo...



Quite admirable that the well-connected boy, who went to arthouse concept school Bedales, gave up on a life of nepotism and screen creaming to dodge bullets in the world's warzones. Radical man.
Fact 7 ///
People who are reading the opening pages of a novel on the underground look stupid. Either start the book halfway through, or wait until you've read a bit more before you bring it on public transport. Otherwise risk looking like someone who doesn't get on with books and/or never reads.
HATE LIST #17
People who meet famous people and then say "You know they were really nice in person, and really funny too" - Not exactly an avalanche of exclusive detail.

6.10.2010

BIG BROTHER 2010 /// Each contestant, first impressions...



John James AKA David Pecker: (pictured) Aussie bleach bum who gets off on looking at himself. A classic gappie who refuses to grow up. Almost a hottie, but with what we're given, a catch.

Ben AKA Brideshead Re-closeted: Strange scary glory Tory who is deeply uncomfortable with himself, fancies John James, good luck.

Josie AKA Cotton Toe Joe: A real good time girl with a heart of gold. Potential winner assuming she doesn't get chewed up by a smarter housemate.

Govan AKA Go Go (Power Rangers): Cute little dizzee boy, quite intelligent, expect nudity and a big fanbase.

Shabby AKA Oh Fuck Off: Loopy lesbian post-Camden wannabe arthouse film director mess. Needs to go back to the drawing board.

Rachael AKA Sha'nay'nay: Beyonce without the tits, voice, precision, teeth, ANYTHING!

Corin AKA (drunk outside) Coral: Modelled herself on Jordan but lacks money for surgery or a brain. Brilliant.

Ife AKA Ife-yo Ife-yay: A cool girl is Ife. Potential winner. Watch Rachael get greener and greener.

Steve AKA Robo-pop: Scary ex-military buffoon with prosthetic limbs, tattooes and pubtalk opinions. No thanks.

Dave AKA The Merry Monk: Crazy ex-alco monk who keeps laughing to hide MAJOR problems. Please don't get in the pool with me.

Caoimhe AKA Agyness Spleen: WTF? Attention seeking ironing board with a 5-minutes-ago faux fur look.

Sunshine AKA Shut Up: Quintissential vegan bicycle-helmet-wearing bookworm who does cartwheels in the park, recycles and pisses you off.

Mario AKA The Mole: The only 'real' character, picked at random, he'll toughen up a little each day, just you see.

Nathan AKA The Ripper: Scary monobrow with monolithic views. Quite loveable, bit chavvy, probably won't last.

@officialbblive @bigbrother Davina McCall #bb11 #bb2010 #bb Channel 4 Big Brother

6.08.2010

Fact 6 //
Some people are so cool that they actually live in East London ON PURPOSE when they could, in fact, live somewhere pleasant. Others live in South London by mistake.

FAQ

Q: WHY CAN'T I COMMENT ON SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Because it's a cult blog. A clog. You wouldn't write your thoughts on a packet of Space Invaders would you? Nor would you write a letter to She Ra.

Q: HOW CAN I COMPLAIN ABOUT SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sorry Lloyd. If it's any consolation, you were one of my favourite contestants on The X Factor 2009 at the start of the series.

Q: HOW MANY PEOPLE READ SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sometimes nobody , sometimes 100s of people in a great rush, sometimes just one person sitting in the ICT room of their provinicial boarding school at 3am, sometimes just Justin Bieber's publicist with a weary and confused frown.

Q: WHY ARE NONE OF THE POSTS DATED?
A: Because it's a post-punk pioneering mess. Most dates are lies anyway. Do you really believe Lady Gaga was born in 1986?

Q: WHERE ARE YOU?
A: Right behind you.

Q: CAN I WRITE FOR SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sure just send your text to owgigi at hotmail dot com
HATE LIST #16
The constant mis-use of "VIP". It stands for Very Important Person, and therefore should never enter the lives of a normal person. We should have queue-jump bands that say VNP.
HATE LIST #15
Door stamping people in clubs like farm animals in a slaughterhouse. Imagine the reaction of partgoers in the 1950s as they got some big ugly black ink marking stamped brutally onto their wrists. Where does this vulgar trend originate? Was it like some ex-Nazis setting up the first gay Berlin discotheque? Probably. Leave my arm alone Heinz.
HATE LIST #14
Objects that are obviously, in fact, famously, from IKEA.
Par exemple: Photographic prints of pebbles with white stripes or builders eating their lunch; Standing lamps; 99p multicoloured bath mats; plastic fold-up chairs; big cheap shit cushions.
HATE LIST #13
Being watched silently be a newsagent owner whilst you browse their incredulous collection of previously unheard of carbonated drinks. I'M NOT A THIEF, GET BACK TO WATCHING EAST ENDERS ON YOUR PORTABLE BLACK AND WHITE BATTERY POWERED TV, my back shouts.
HATE LIST #12
Tangled headphone cables. WHYYYYY?!
HATE LIST #11
People playing music off their phones. So chavvy, so disrespectful, so pitiful. Imagine everyone did it. Also, these people usually have a comically 'hard' persona, but they're playing some Will.I.Am / Chipmunk ditty that sounds like a set of musical Christmas tree lights. Kids. Whenever people play music off their phones on busses, you should sing a long and dance in a camp way - they'll soon pack it in, or else risk being indirectly affiflillliated with an intelligent person.
*Couldn't spell affiliated so deliberately overdosed on fs and ls: look and learn.
HATE LIST #10
Waiters who can't be bothered to remember orders, so they interrupt your conversation and scream "Who's the fish?" "Who's the lamb?" "Who's the salad?" DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. IT'S NOT HARD.
HATE LIST #9
Wheelie Cases. Right?
HATE LIST #8
Those little change trays they have in bars. It's embarrasssing on their part. Since when did 40p change require a silver plastic tray and a 7" receipt. Shit bars seem to think this makes them nicer. Hygiene overdrive SSB&F says. The trays are disgusting and grimey anyway. It also gives w**ker barmen an excuse to not look their customers in the eye, they just blong the shit plastic change tray down and mince off into the next miserable moment of their life.
HATE LIST #7
A music journalism cliché that is REALLY pissing me off: "This is the music they play in the elevator to the afterlife" / "This is the music they pipe out in the elevator down to hell" etc. The sort of thing t**ts leave as a comment on a poor unsuspecting Knife YouTube video. Quite frankly sacrilegious.

4.14.2010

WHERE HAVE ALL THE STRAIGHT BOYS GONE? Tomorrow's Gays
On Twitter everyone is saying that Olympic diver Tom Daley is gay. Then everyone else is saying this is bullying. What's wrong with being gay? Have you seen his Dad on TV - I hope Tom's not gay because Dads like that sure as hell don't like it! Then on Twitter people said that Tom Daley and Lloyd Daniels would make a cute gay couple. Then there was Zoe Skinner's pop-up controversial post on how Danyl Johnson preyed upon Lloyd Daniels in the X-Factor house, which was taken down after Simon Cowell's injunction (another on top of the ever-growing pile). Then bloggers said that Lloyd Daniels was now Danyl Johnson's boyfriend, jailbate, bum bitch. It's too much man. Too much. Why are all the famous boy teenagers gay these days? Short Snappy Bright And Flashy is Omnisexual. It loves megabytes and space invaders and pitch black shower sex listening to T-REX. Oooh-La-La-La.
Justin Bieber, Tom Daley and Lloyd Daniels should star in their own teen reality TV series that explores sexuality. Maybe chuck Miley Cyrus and other fag idols in there too. Not Danyl Jonhson though, he should leave the blond teenagers to grow up in peace really and stick to his karaoke pulling tactics.

12.22.2009

TV SHOW 3 ///////////// Elliot The Elevator.

Forget Thomas the Tank Engine. Elliot is an ELEVATOR. Elliot The Elevator follows the life and adventures of Elliot, an NCP car park elevator, (yes National Car Park Car Park) and his friends, chiefly Wesley the infrequently used Waterstones elevator, Marjorie the Marriot hotel elevator (who's bottom floor gives access to a swimming pool - a plot device that makes room for much comedy, especially when men in swimming trunks go to the WRONG FLOOR - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAH)
And Edward, the Empire State building's elevator. Very arrogant he is. In Episode 1 Stephen Fry gets stuck in one of the characters and Tweets about the kerfuffle of it all.

12.09.2009

Sex on a Mega Bus (.Com?)
Do people get laid on Mega Buses? Like, do you get sat next to hot people and they chat to you? Or is it all headphones and clouds of Lynx?

12.01.2009

FACT 6 /////////// Everyone sells their sex in Dorset. Everyone.
Why is everyone in 3 (as in the ill-named phone network/store) called Gavin?

And why do they tell you that the phone you've picked is really good and they even use that phone themselves... they can't tell everyone that.. are they stupid?

Also, is it just me or are all of these people brought up really badly? Like, inconsistent eye contact, swarmy-marmy piny idiotic voices that unbelievably still succeed in being condescending. It's phenomenal.

Also, does anybody know anybody who works at 3 who can shave? I didn't think so.

3.

Urgh.