11.14.2009

Kleenex. That new advert, with Emma Bunton, Bob Geldof is a bit lame no? Emma Bunton, my second favourite Spice Girl, but I'll never get over her terrible acting in Ab Fab. "Saffy was a brilliant head girl". Cringe.
Also - Sven's not kicking a tissue into the bin in his clip. It's CLEARLY a piece of screwed up paper. Naff Naff Naff. Nothing beats a bit of bog roll.

11.12.2009

How shit is this new 'comedy' series called Campus?

Apparently Channel 4 sponsors original comedy, and yet their latest series Campus is neither original nor comedic. At first glance the program looks like an amateur parody of The Office, or perhaps Green Wing or Teachers, and then one realises that it isn't even a bad parody, but simply a very bad attempt at copying.

Set in a university, all of the male characters lack conviction, and one is supposed to be an English tutor, yet he uses hair gel, is mildly fake tanned and speaks like an absolute plank. Maybe that's part of the comedy? Well the best comedy is based on truth, and I'm pretty certain English tutors in universities, even shit ones, are nothing like this guy.

I'm happy that these actors have found some employment, but FUCK, the show they're in is SO bad. Who writes this slow, predictable, uneventful pathetic shit? I thought Horne and Corden was rock bottom for TV comedy, but clearly not. Embarrassing for the writers, I can't imagine even their mothers are proud of such thin drivel.
TV SHOW 2 //////////////// I'm a graduate GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I'm a graduate GET ME OUT OF HERE is a reality TV series in which graduates compete for a life. The contestants all studied at the same university in a particular city, and they are now still living there, purely because there is nothing better to do, and they cannot afford to live in London or move abroad.

Tasks must be completed each week, such as tolerating smug and swarmy undergraduates; handling shit flyers about student nights out; making purchases in shops without being eligible for a student discount; blanking people who might embarrassingly ask 'OH, you're still here? How come?'; collecting missed calls from parents who are eager to hear all about job hunting; and yes - alas - job hunting.

John & Edward present the show and have a live studio in the heart of the graduate concrete jungle.

11.10.2009

Kesha is the poor man's Uffie
I agree with Erin Ann Myer completely. Kesha, this hideous boring cheesey girl currently at no.6 in the UK charts has just completely ripped off Uffie, and then slapped on a few Lady Gaga 'Just Dance' touches. Boo you whore of a bore.
From now on she's called Quiche Face the Third.
All denounce Quiche Face the Third.

11.09.2009

Roundtrees advertising campaign is just shit.
How cringeworthy is this Roundtrees Randoms, or whatever they're called, thing? I can just picture the boardroom of middle aged twats going 'Kids really love this word RANDOM, they say everything is just LIKE SO RANDOM, let's make a product that incorporates RANDOM'.
5 years too late. Dicks.
Still, a fruit pastel never did anyone any harm. (I hope).
Something I like about France is that they sell cheap tubs of moisturiser in supermarkets for 70 cents or whatever, and they're just perfect for a bit of freshening up around the eyes. Everyone knows that all moisturisers are the same and Mr Clarins just lies on a beach and laughs all day long, burning in the hot Caribbean sunshine.
Fact 5 ////
Britney Spears has 27 body doubles.

11.07.2009

For whom ITV tolls.
I like X Factor, but why does it insist on having 24hrs worth of programs around it? Oh - it's called ITV? Right.
ITV bosses claim that their channel is undeservingly mocked and that it is now back on everyone's lips thanks to their clever selectinng of some brilliant shows like X Factor and Murderland.
Has ANYONE heard of Murderland? Did someone just make this up on the spot? MURDER. LAND. A television program? I don't think so.
X Factor. That's what ITV is. X Factor. And nothing else. That's right. Not even that Trinity thing they overly promote on the adverts inbetween X Factor, which you might watch once because there are a couple of sexy actors in it.
After X Factor, ITV's biggest dog is probably Harry Hill's TV Burp, which is mildly amusing but requires its viewers to know the characters of every soap opera currently being aired.

HOWEVER. ITV 2. Now that's a different kettle of delish. Paris Hilton's BFF. Fearne Cotton meets herself again. Beat The Star while beating yourself over Vernon Kay. Now that's what I call telly.
Fact 4 ///////////////////
The price of male prostitution varies.
Gaga finally sucks chart ass.

Provincial gay clubs have finally stopped playing the songs of dog breath pop slag, Lady Gaga, known to her friend(s) as Girl with a pearl cock ring. It took a single-release collaboration from the campest living stars on earth to finally push the trainwreck wig bitch into the playlist margins... Whitney Houston, Cheryl Cole and Alexandra Burke. The three women released infectious ass-tapping hits within one week of each other, sending gay DJs into hair-splitting despair. The best solution has proven to be playing the three songs (Fight For This Love, Bad Boys, and the Whitney warbler disco ball brawl) in never-ending cyclical succession. That way the gays are never more than ten minutes away from whichever happens to be their "fave". LOL. And, thankfully, as stated above, the brilliant side-effect of this triad-tastic pop invasion is the death of Lady Gargh Garghh. Hargh Hargh Harrrgh.
Property show princess Kirsty Allsopp, an evangelical Gaga hater, was overjoyed with the news. She told my source, very allegedly, "I hope Gargoyle [Allsopps own very witty name for Lady Gaga] spends her money on drugs and weapons and does us all a favour. But my main question is this - how will this growing family manage with only two bathrooms?". Touche Kirsty. Touche.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Jake Goody.

Jake Goody started off in life as a dental nurse with a passion for Haribo star mix. It wasn't until 2000 and something that he found nationwide fame, appearing in a reality TV show, revealing his ball sack and low IQ to an amused Channel 4 audience of almost thirty-two people.

After the show, Jake was a popular subject in cheap womens magazines. Notably Jake lost weight, gained weight, lost weight, gained weight, slept with people who were better looking than him due to his fame, was photographed eating ice cream, shopping with his mum, and finally - gaining weight. Despite the pretty faces of his boyfriends it was impossible to deny their lower tax bracket stench, compared to Jake, now a millionaire for no apparent reason.

A momentary career turn saw Jake become a high profile / low intellect racist and wordsmith, using cliched cultural associations as the backbone of his mockery. For example he called the popular spanish actress Karina Malova - Karina Maracas, and the famous English playwright Joe Orton - Joe Bumfum, a title that was not necessarily homophobic but pointed fun at the tendency of English males to sodomize their male friends in confidentiality on Saturday afternoons. This racist jewel in Jake's career crown was accompanied by a series of bad short hair styles.

Tragically Jake was diagnosed in 2000 and something else with a severe case of circumstantial cancer, or was it ceremonious cancer? Wikipedia will no doubt tell all. Jake's death was a blessing in disguise as it raised awareness of circumstantial cancer, and a life-threatening vaccine was introduced and consequently imposed upon the young.

11.06.2009

Paris Hilton

Has a cover of Rod Stewart's do you think I'm sexy, on her album! Hahaha. I love Paris Hilton. Yes. I. Do. Ooh, did I just use full stops in between each word for style and effect? I do apologise. No. Really. I Do. Haha. This isn't even funny. But Paris, one night, one night, one night in Paris. I love her lots like ceramic pots. Go spotify her now you sleeze.
foreign laptop and hair growth.

I'm on a friend's laptop, while she "won't be long" is upstairs getting ready. and on this laptop, wait for it..., you...., have to DOUBLE click to do things that on my laptop only requite ONE click. how mildly irritating. like, mozilla firefox - granted - that bitch requires some double clicking shit, but to type in an internet address..... no way. that's definitely one click city.

On an increasingly irritating vein, im growing my hair, and it takes time, but i want nice long hair now, and unlike katie price, i can't spend $15,000 on flying to LA to get beautiful little hair extensions.

I just flicked through this tiny weeny free mag called Little White Lies, which according to itself, is published from a top floor flat in a converted church by mainly men, and six times a year (yeah - i know), and they're banging on about some boy with tousled hair, who doesn't actually have tousled hair, but it reminded me that my hair needs to grow, so that i can mooch it around and seduce people even more effortlessly. also, this little white lies, or LWlies, mag is like fucking obsessed with carey mulligan, who as you know, was written about on The Jack of Hearts no less han six months ago. And these boys say they like independent film. pah.

come on anna... hurry up and get ready.
TOP 5 ////// Best Living Male Novelists

1. Bret Easton Ellis (magnum opus - Less Than Zero)
2. Kazuo Ishiguro (magnum opus - Never Let Me Go)
3. Sebastian Faulks (magnum opus - Engleby)
4. Alan Hollinghurst (magnum opus - The Swimming Pool Library)
5. DBC Pierre (magnum opus - Vernon God Little)

11.05.2009

FACT 3 /////////
IF you prize apart the metal slats of a venetian blind and stare menacingly out across the street and watch your nextdoor neighbour undressing, then a loud deep piano note will suddenly strike in the air somewhere behind you, and you will realise that you are not human, but are a character in a Channel 5 murder reconstruction.
Who misses floppy disks?
They are the unsung heroes of the 1990s. I think they should have a big comeback in the twenty tens. Don't you? Ooh, just reflect on those good old floppy disk days. The little metal bit that you could slide back and then let go, and for a half-second unsheafing the film material of the very disk inside itself. It was like looking into your own heart.
TOP 5: Best (Looking) Rugby Players
1. Francois Steyn ...(impossible to understand a word though)
2. Julian Hans ...(sadly has already been had by gay rugby entrepreneur Max Guazzini)
3. Will Matthews ...(very nicely spoken, fluctuates between looking good and being a skinhead)
4. Olly Barkley ...(has already peaked, catch him while you can)
5. Dan Carter ...(in love with himself, loved by Will Carling)
Chequered shirts suck
They really, really, really, do. Especially in the UK where they are worn by scrawny unwashed plebs. Red and blue incorporated into one pattern... how could that ever work? Postman Pat, if you're reading this, don't worry, you're fine.

11.04.2009

NAKED CANDLELIT DINNERS!

Did you seriously just click on Naked Candlelit Dinners DOT COM?

Well.. pull up a chair, we're about to get started

SCREEN ONE:
(Gets off to a slow start this one. Too much shin)


SCREEN TWO:
(This one gets a bit Satanic at the end)


And to go back to Jack's blog post that you were reading CLICK HERE.
GAME 2 ///// Motorway Guitar Hero

A bit like Guitar Hero, but instead of tabs moving down a computer screen, use the lines in the middle of the road. As your vehicle passes over each line, you must tap your foot, at exactly the right second that the painted line disappears under the bonnet of your vehicle.

This is done with your right foot. Your left foot must tap in time to the lines on the side of the road, marking whether they are single, double, or fragmented.

This game is ideally for those in the passenger seat, and not behind the wheel.

There are no winners, no losers, just frustratation and anxiety.

11.01.2009

FACT 1 ///
Kirsty Allsopp wasn't born. She was knitted.
TOP 5 /////// This week ... "HORRIBLE MEN OF TELEVISION"

Criteria: Old / difficult on the eye / condescending / prone to negative energy / over paid / rude / ignorant / inexplicably popular with low intellect majority groups as well as middle aged right wingers.

1. Simon Cowell
2. Jeremy Clarkson
3. Jeremy Paxman
4. Gordon Ramsay
5. Charlie Brooker

Runners Up: Adrian Chiles, Paul Merton
TV SHOW 1 /././././ Designersaurs.

Designersaurs is a cartoon for children that also enjoys an adult audience. The story revolves around four dinosaurs who drink cocktails, go shopping and discuss their love lives.

The main character, Caddybradosaurus is a serial blogger, who looks like a horse, but her friends don't know that because they don't exist yet. Her friend Mirandasaurus Rex is a lawyer. Dinosaur law mainly consists of territorial boundary disputes and cannibalism. Samantadaptor is a sex addict who works in a PR company, but inexplicably eats out every night of her life. Dinosaur PR consists mainly of managing communications between organisations and the public and the placing of exposure into third party outlets. Obviously. It's a big industry, and essential to existence.

The Designersaurs like to wear designer clothing like Stego McCartney and Diplodicus & Gabbbannnna (tripple B, quadruple N). Caddybradosaurus has a boyfriend called big. Presumably because he has a big cock.

Eventually a comet hits their community, killing the Designersaurs and their worldly possesions. One day their bones will be found and put together in an unflattering and inaccurate composition, before being exhibited in museums built by the new dominant species, humans, who live under a permanent Anna Wintour of discontent.
GAME 1 //// "Lady Garglaarr"

How to play: Players take it in turns to gargle orange squash while simultaneously gargling/singing one of the hits of popular transsexual Gwen Stefani tribute act Lady Gaga.

Other contestants race to guess the song being gargled. If they want to make a guess then they must shout "nar nar nar nargh" in honour of the terrible backing vocals on 'Poker Face'.

The winner is the first to five points. Lady Gaga only have five songs - 'Just Dance - Ney Ney Ney Woo', 'Can't Read, Read', 'Disco Stick', 'Love Me Love Me Love Me Love Me Papa, Papaparazzi', and ... um...

The loser (i.e. the one with the least points once a winner has been found) must then take a rought ride on every other player's disco stick.

Unlike Lady Gaga, girls don't have disco sticks, but they can use the following: cans of hairspray, deodorant bottles (be careful not to lose them), rolling pins, rolled up magazines, chorizo.
RACHEL AD-A-BABY >> I cannot believe Rachel Ad-a-baby has been chucked from the tournament instead of little blond and pretty boy Lloyd. Granted, Lloyd is, as previously stated, little, blond and pretty, but he's no popstar. It pleases me that Louis voted for Rachel Ad-a-baby,and curbed his trademark enthusiasm/drooling for boys like Lloyd, who, as previously stated, are little, blond and pretty.

Sadly for Rachel Ad-a-baby, there is no room for a popstar like her in the current climate.
Even if Rihanna and Beyonce died in an act of terrorism suddenly, there would still be Kelly Rowland, Alexandra Burke, Jordin Sparks, Cassie, Mya, Ciara, Jamelia, Santigold, Keri Hilson, Alesha Dixon, Jeniffer Hudson and Amerie standing between her and a record contract.