6.17.2010

If you like a lot of chocolate on your musket ///
Did you know that the Guardian's war journalist Clancy Chassay ...


...sang the song "If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club" for the popular 1990s multipack biscuit brand? That's right. Before the pin-up journo was commando rolling around foreign lands with his pen and pad writing about secret Russian killings and Israeli war crimes in Gaza, he was hippety hopping around a sunny English park singing about chocolate coated biscuits, approximately around the time of the Kosovo conflict. You can see him in the YouTube video below. At 0:10 Clancy Chassay can be seen sporting a cute green cap and baggy orange polo...



Quite admirable that the well-connected boy, who went to arthouse concept school Bedales, gave up on a life of nepotism and screen creaming to dodge bullets in the world's warzones. Radical man.
Fact 7 ///
People who are reading the opening pages of a novel on the underground look stupid. Either start the book halfway through, or wait until you've read a bit more before you bring it on public transport. Otherwise risk looking like someone who doesn't get on with books and/or never reads.
HATE LIST #17
People who meet famous people and then say "You know they were really nice in person, and really funny too" - Not exactly an avalanche of exclusive detail.

6.10.2010

BIG BROTHER 2010 /// Each contestant, first impressions...



John James AKA David Pecker: (pictured) Aussie bleach bum who gets off on looking at himself. A classic gappie who refuses to grow up. Almost a hottie, but with what we're given, a catch.

Ben AKA Brideshead Re-closeted: Strange scary glory Tory who is deeply uncomfortable with himself, fancies John James, good luck.

Josie AKA Cotton Toe Joe: A real good time girl with a heart of gold. Potential winner assuming she doesn't get chewed up by a smarter housemate.

Govan AKA Go Go (Power Rangers): Cute little dizzee boy, quite intelligent, expect nudity and a big fanbase.

Shabby AKA Oh Fuck Off: Loopy lesbian post-Camden wannabe arthouse film director mess. Needs to go back to the drawing board.

Rachael AKA Sha'nay'nay: Beyonce without the tits, voice, precision, teeth, ANYTHING!

Corin AKA (drunk outside) Coral: Modelled herself on Jordan but lacks money for surgery or a brain. Brilliant.

Ife AKA Ife-yo Ife-yay: A cool girl is Ife. Potential winner. Watch Rachael get greener and greener.

Steve AKA Robo-pop: Scary ex-military buffoon with prosthetic limbs, tattooes and pubtalk opinions. No thanks.

Dave AKA The Merry Monk: Crazy ex-alco monk who keeps laughing to hide MAJOR problems. Please don't get in the pool with me.

Caoimhe AKA Agyness Spleen: WTF? Attention seeking ironing board with a 5-minutes-ago faux fur look.

Sunshine AKA Shut Up: Quintissential vegan bicycle-helmet-wearing bookworm who does cartwheels in the park, recycles and pisses you off.

Mario AKA The Mole: The only 'real' character, picked at random, he'll toughen up a little each day, just you see.

Nathan AKA The Ripper: Scary monobrow with monolithic views. Quite loveable, bit chavvy, probably won't last.

@officialbblive @bigbrother Davina McCall #bb11 #bb2010 #bb Channel 4 Big Brother

6.08.2010

Fact 6 //
Some people are so cool that they actually live in East London ON PURPOSE when they could, in fact, live somewhere pleasant. Others live in South London by mistake.

FAQ

Q: WHY CAN'T I COMMENT ON SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Because it's a cult blog. A clog. You wouldn't write your thoughts on a packet of Space Invaders would you? Nor would you write a letter to She Ra.

Q: HOW CAN I COMPLAIN ABOUT SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sorry Lloyd. If it's any consolation, you were one of my favourite contestants on The X Factor 2009 at the start of the series.

Q: HOW MANY PEOPLE READ SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sometimes nobody , sometimes 100s of people in a great rush, sometimes just one person sitting in the ICT room of their provinicial boarding school at 3am, sometimes just Justin Bieber's publicist with a weary and confused frown.

Q: WHY ARE NONE OF THE POSTS DATED?
A: Because it's a post-punk pioneering mess. Most dates are lies anyway. Do you really believe Lady Gaga was born in 1986?

Q: WHERE ARE YOU?
A: Right behind you.

Q: CAN I WRITE FOR SHORT SNAPPY BRIGHT AND FLASHY?
A: Sure just send your text to owgigi at hotmail dot com
HATE LIST #16
The constant mis-use of "VIP". It stands for Very Important Person, and therefore should never enter the lives of a normal person. We should have queue-jump bands that say VNP.
HATE LIST #15
Door stamping people in clubs like farm animals in a slaughterhouse. Imagine the reaction of partgoers in the 1950s as they got some big ugly black ink marking stamped brutally onto their wrists. Where does this vulgar trend originate? Was it like some ex-Nazis setting up the first gay Berlin discotheque? Probably. Leave my arm alone Heinz.
HATE LIST #14
Objects that are obviously, in fact, famously, from IKEA.
Par exemple: Photographic prints of pebbles with white stripes or builders eating their lunch; Standing lamps; 99p multicoloured bath mats; plastic fold-up chairs; big cheap shit cushions.
HATE LIST #13
Being watched silently be a newsagent owner whilst you browse their incredulous collection of previously unheard of carbonated drinks. I'M NOT A THIEF, GET BACK TO WATCHING EAST ENDERS ON YOUR PORTABLE BLACK AND WHITE BATTERY POWERED TV, my back shouts.
HATE LIST #12
Tangled headphone cables. WHYYYYY?!
HATE LIST #11
People playing music off their phones. So chavvy, so disrespectful, so pitiful. Imagine everyone did it. Also, these people usually have a comically 'hard' persona, but they're playing some Will.I.Am / Chipmunk ditty that sounds like a set of musical Christmas tree lights. Kids. Whenever people play music off their phones on busses, you should sing a long and dance in a camp way - they'll soon pack it in, or else risk being indirectly affiflillliated with an intelligent person.
*Couldn't spell affiliated so deliberately overdosed on fs and ls: look and learn.
HATE LIST #10
Waiters who can't be bothered to remember orders, so they interrupt your conversation and scream "Who's the fish?" "Who's the lamb?" "Who's the salad?" DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. IT'S NOT HARD.
HATE LIST #9
Wheelie Cases. Right?
HATE LIST #8
Those little change trays they have in bars. It's embarrasssing on their part. Since when did 40p change require a silver plastic tray and a 7" receipt. Shit bars seem to think this makes them nicer. Hygiene overdrive SSB&F says. The trays are disgusting and grimey anyway. It also gives w**ker barmen an excuse to not look their customers in the eye, they just blong the shit plastic change tray down and mince off into the next miserable moment of their life.
HATE LIST #7
A music journalism cliché that is REALLY pissing me off: "This is the music they play in the elevator to the afterlife" / "This is the music they pipe out in the elevator down to hell" etc. The sort of thing t**ts leave as a comment on a poor unsuspecting Knife YouTube video. Quite frankly sacrilegious.